“Thank you, Yusef…”

Convincing myself…My step-father was not abusive. He was a ‘pain’ teacher. He was the ultimate coach. He is the ultimate teacher.

When I did something foolish, he disciplined me. What did those disciplines entail?

I don’t know.

They come in flashbacks. I recently just had a flashback about one of my punishments. And, recently, I delusioned, myself into thinking he was a sociopath. I am not sure. But the pain he taught me, gave me something… an edge. Pain is invited now. I choose to be in pain. Because it makes you grow. Is what I learned.

I recall, being punished in the living room… My mother and Step-father watching.

Displined mentally and physically, I guess they demanded perfection.

Rice sandwhich.

A rice sandwhich at an early age.

Some kind of military discipline.

You take two phonebooks, and spread rice on the phone book.

You stand on that phonebook with your knees and hands held high. For a long time…

I don’t hold resentment. I don’t know if it is okay for me to experience that as a kid. I don’t remember what I did.

I indentify with four, Tobias.

I don’t know….

It for sure, made me resilient. Just one of many punishments.

I am not weak at 21. Just been through hell. I am strong.

I write, to control my mind.

Keep fighting.

Keep fighting.

Be your authentic self.





400M is pain.

400M is life.





There is a methodtomymadness