“Forgive yourself…” (A Short Memoir Series) Chapter 1

Hysteria…

“I did it for you mom!”

“I did it for you mom!”

She is probably thinking, did what.

I recall on the hospital bed. In complete delusion… I was definitely in the snares of the devil, screaming with my mom beside me. She is praying. I asked her to pray for me.

We are in deep southern North Carolina. Winston salem. New atmosphere. New accents. New culture.

Its 2013.

The entire family is under stress.

Money is running low from the 100 Grand lawsuit that my father recently won.

Life is good. But life is so bad.

I was up day and night.

Recording music.

Listening to music.

I am 16.

Watching those stupid conspiracy theories on youtube.

Forgive yourself, she says. I love my mom. If it wasn’t for her, how would I have gotten out of that mess that I put myself in.

That was a hard concept to achieve. I felt so down on myself. What was I thinking. What the hell was I doing…

Fast forward.

In my therapists room…

“Therapist says, What did you see?”

I saw, I saw a demon.

Hallucination…

Perhaps, we live in a spiritual world.

Perhaps, reality is not as we know it.

Or perhaps, I am crazy?

Na, I won’t believe that.

And I will piece this puzzle together…

I am not perfect.

I am not a saint.

In fact, I am quite an extraordinary human being for the amount of setbacks I experienced on my road to “success”. I choose to tell myself that because, just because.

If you only knew what I’ve been through…

The voices, wouldn’t stop…

Success, in fact, I think I am already there. I am successful in my own right.

Its been 5 years since my first mental breakdown.

Seeing things that arent there.

Reading things that aren’t real.