Open Diary. Chapter 1

I believe God has a plan for me. I am not sure what it exactly entails. I just hope that it includes me finding contentment, happiness, and peace.

Today, one thing kept getting into my thoughts. Like a poison, seeping through my brain chemistry. That poison was the feeling of loneliness.

I have no one to blame, but myself. I choose to isolate. I am a hardcore introvert. At the same time, I love people and talking. Some would call that being an ambivert. It is just, these days people aren’t as personable. If you would walk up to a person on my campus and say hi, they’d look at you as if you were crazy…

I am thinking of tattoo ideas. I have two so far, ‘Amor Fati’, Latin for ‘love of fate.’ Or, Veni, Vidi, Vici… Latin for ‘I came, I saw, I conquered.’ I have a fascination for these two quotes. It reminds me of the passion I live for.

Have you ever felt stifled. As if you wanted to breathe and be you, but something was holding you back? Realistically, could be an annoying manager, lack of finances, constricted curriculum, anything…

I feel that way a lot. The feeling of constrictions. Sometimes, you just have to adapt. Eventually, those constrictions are no longer walls or obstacles. You get creative and poke holes through plastic and learn to breathe again.

I am learning to breathe again. Gaining back things that were lost. Belongings, personality, passion, so much.

I was out of college for several months because of a mental break down in the beginning of 2018. Part of my breakdown was leaving a reward I got for significant academic achievement, in high school, in a Starbucks on college campus. I received it from the NAACP. It was a cool token for all of the hard work I put in to make up for being a goof ball and knucklehead during my first two years of HS. So the cool thing was, after several months, I came back to the Starbucks that I left my certificate in, and the manager told me she held onto it for me.

It brought a huge smile to my heart. It was the only thing that made it through my ‘spiritual storm’. I lost absolutely everything sentimental to me while I was in the hospital for three months.

The landlord (a jerk) stopped picking up my calls, and doesn’t pick up his phone to this day… My ex wanted to get the things from my old apartment, but I was convinced it was no use. The world is cold. People don’t just hold on to things for you, and could give a crap if you are having a personal life crises. So I gave it up altogether. I wanted to start new anyway.

I got a few things from T.J max today. The most inexpensive and bang for your buck- clothing-store there is. πŸ™‚

As I was shopping, I thought to myself. Wow, I don’t know what the hell I am doing because I never buy things for myself. I used to be into styling up, but not so much anymore. Life has a way of maturing you. But dressing nice could never get old so I don’t know what the heck I am talking about. I got a few button ups, gym clothes and socks. Feels good.

Well, that’s all before I go to bed. I’m getting up early to a new day and hopefully a good day. This makes for a cool first entry for my open diary. Nothing too amazing here, just some thoughts and ideas.

Thank you for reading πŸ™‚