Open Diary. Chapter 5

I put a lot of pressure on myself, because I see where some people are and I see where I am on my journey.

I think that the pressure is ultimately good because it drives me to work harder to achieve personal records and do more. Read more. Train more. Seek more… I am just young and competitive. I cannot really change that.

I find myself going into a deep cycle.

This cycle goes something like this – boy, man, lion.

It’s a cyclical nature. I cannot say that it is bad, because it seems as if it is a constant maturation of emotions and personality…

I am always maturing.

I just really want to be a lion again.

I feel most comfort when I am at that stage.

I am not quite there yet, but I sense it approaching.

Some nights I cannot sleep.

This is one of those nights.

I am developing my heart and brain.

I read some Taoism.

It’s China’s ancient philosophy. It holds some worth here in the hustle and bustle of Western philosophies, I think so.

Te – The power of virtue and moral excellence that the Tao brings

The Tao is essentially everything, but cannot be explained. It is a mystical essence.

I like to think I feel it when training my body and mind.

I feel closer to God when I take care of my health and go past limitations in life…

I miss my ex.

I am sure she misses me too.

But what can you do. Break ups are shit…

I don’t regret dating her. I just don’t see why I attached to her. Breaks ups make you feel like it was all a waste of time.

But, where is my essential wisdom?

There must be a reason why…

I just miss that girl. I just wish I could have loved her better.

But, the past is done, no time for looking back.

I want somebody to love and for them to love me.

I figure, I build my relationship with Christ. I read ten pages of the Bible tonight. My goal is to read the entire bible.

I broke up my readings in chunks so I will update how my process goes as I write these open diaries.

Jesus kept me on track and brought me out of depression.

When I was in a deep black hole, I called his name. I was lost in my imagination and I called on him.

Him being there, helped me keep my belief in him.

I just want to know him more.

I want to be a perfect human being like him.