Open Diary. Chapter 5
I put a lot of pressure on myself, because I see where some people are and I see where I am on my journey.
I think that the pressure is ultimately good because it drives me to work harder to achieve personal records and do more. Read more. Train more. Seek more… I am just young and competitive. I cannot really change that.
I find myself going into a deep cycle.
This cycle goes something like this – boy, man, lion.
It’s a cyclical nature. I cannot say that it is bad, because it seems as if it is a constant maturation of emotions and personality…
I am always maturing.
I just really want to be a lion again.
I feel most comfort when I am at that stage.
I am not quite there yet, but I sense it approaching.
Some nights I cannot sleep.
This is one of those nights.
I am developing my heart and brain.
I read some Taoism.
It’s China’s ancient philosophy. It holds some worth here in the hustle and bustle of Western philosophies, I think so.
Te – The power of virtue and moral excellence that the Tao brings
The Tao is essentially everything, but cannot be explained. It is a mystical essence.
I like to think I feel it when training my body and mind.
I feel closer to God when I take care of my health and go past limitations in life…
I miss my ex.
I am sure she misses me too.
But what can you do. Break ups are shit…
I don’t regret dating her. I just don’t see why I attached to her. Breaks ups make you feel like it was all a waste of time.
But, where is my essential wisdom?
There must be a reason why…
I just miss that girl. I just wish I could have loved her better.
But, the past is done, no time for looking back.
I want somebody to love and for them to love me.
I figure, I build my relationship with Christ. I read ten pages of the Bible tonight. My goal is to read the entire bible.
I broke up my readings in chunks so I will update how my process goes as I write these open diaries.
Jesus kept me on track and brought me out of depression.
When I was in a deep black hole, I called his name. I was lost in my imagination and I called on him.
Him being there, helped me keep my belief in him.
I just want to know him more.
I want to be a perfect human being like him.