Open Diary. 15
I am prepping my mindset.
I come back from church.
I am playing my music and dancing in my room.
Singing, as if a child with his armor and sword of lighting, telling myself with indestructible talent and confidence – I am king Elijah!
Perhaps, narcissistic to some, overly confident to others, or even ‘cocky’ to the mass…
The invisible mass…
It is just I have a magic that I enjoy feeling!
You have to feel it to understand…
I repented today.
I gave up my beliefs, and chose Jesus today…
Despite my high love for philosophy, and forming of ideas, I turned my back momentarily on my intellectual understanding to believe in Jesus’s promises.
It felt almost, too natural.
It felt perfect, it felt, honestly – like perfection.
It felt like heaven…
I was staying with a friend a few weeks ago, and I realized that I lost my Jesus’s calling book.
Well the answer came to me – that he took it. Like an epiphany.
Jealousy is the worst of all sins…
But then again – I do not judge. I am growing to become a better Christian…
I am trying not to judge.
It is a flaw that I want to stop.
I had my fair share of stealings.
I am not perfect.
But that is beside the point.
I just know why I felt so distant from my Holy Father these past weeks.
That book is one of the few material possessions that I highly, highly value.
I got it from a spiritual mentor, whom I love dearly. Thank you, I got a lot from those spiritual teachings…
I feel saddened that I do not have that book anymore – however, I am not attached to anything in this world. I hold it, but never let anything truly rule my mind.
I have Jesus in my heart!
Plus, I am in tune, and at peace with the universe. Everything happens for a reason, I am at harmony with everything.
I am so anxious for this opportunity.
To some it may seem like – ‘it’s just a D2 College, what is this guy’s obsession, Etc. Chatter’
Voices from inside, and most likely, in reality – maybe just a few people saying that.
But weed and noise, nevertheless…
But you see – growing up, I was so torn down, and belittled.
Since a boy, I felt like I was worthless.
I felt as if I was not capable of much, my stepfather broke my very soul. Multiple times over. But I proved him wrong.
Multiple times over, and will continue to do so…
and anyone who says what I want to do is impossible or unreal.
So yes, to me this is a HUGE step, and major accomplishment to be here as a Bloomsburg Husky.
I am like a successful, and happy ending of a Franz Kafka story.
I am a voice for the ones without hope or belief in themselves – because although, I was that kid with a nearly crumbled and shattered soul – I smiled, and Kept my delight in knowing that deep inside, I did in fact have a special something, that no one could take away from me.
I knew it but paradoxically did not know it.
I am a late bloomer, I guess…
But it’s never too late.
I am currently sitting down, an hour early.
I am so very anxious.
I want it so much, and I feel as if it is already mine.
I feel butterflies, as if this is my true love.
My true destiny, and everything truly belonging to me – will eventually come along for the ride.
I know this is it.
This the thing Robert Greene was talking about in mastery…
I tend to intellectualize everything, because while my stepfather was busy tearing my world down, I kept trying to build it up – escaping the hell and planting seeds for my beautiful future.
Along with walking with Christ.
I can never lose sight of that.
Perhaps, Jesus held my hand during those times. I could not have possibly gotten through those hells alone.
I do not understand everything yet, but I do have a grasp of the power that was inside of me all along; Thank you Jesus.
There is much to more story that I wish to share, and yet, there is much that lies ahead of me!
As a warrior and proud Husky, I have immense love and pride, and am excited for this journey. It is mine and claimed.
Thank You God.