Troubled boy

Mom my new dream is to be an author.

Well I need your support in this phase of my life. I simply want to write and express everything on my blog.

I will eventually go back to being an athlete again, but I have to get these emotions and ideas out to become whole again.

I have three months to do so.

Support me in the way of reading them and truly feeling how I feel as your son.

Because I have mommy issues mom.

I fall in love with every woman I come across.

And it drives them away after some time.

They fall in love too.

I’m writing everyday, it’s a form of self care and therapy.

Music helps me.

I am only grateful to Yusef, because of him allowing me to do music for that amount of time – until he abused me and made it become sickening.

Otherwise, I am thankful for him opening that door for me.

I am only talented because of experiences I was apart of.

None of my talents are truly honed, and that frustrates me… it’s like I am a jack of all trades, master of none, except one.

Writing.

The one craft I feel unlimited potential in. I have written my entire life.

Nevertheless, our relationship is damaged. And it will not be so easy to repair unless we talk about our issues, but more specifically my issues that I felt growing up.

I never liked guys mom.

I am not gay.

I hated that you would chastise me and drill into my mind and ask.

After taking personality psychology, I learned that I am simply a feminine male, and that is completely normal.

Living in my shoes has been a literal curse.

I remember Yusef coming home one night and beating me with a meat tenderizer, while you told him to continue doing so.

I went to school the next day traumatized, I did not sleep that night.

That was a literal hell. As a child, a literal hell.

It is engrained in my mind, and I feel weak each time that I reflect on it.

I feel pain that I almost enjoy, it is like I did not need to cut or commit suicide. I lived a slow death my entire childhood and teenage years.

The cutting was already happening through punishment.

Raising a genius is no short of a task, I can only speak for myself, that I was simply misunderstood.

Not projecting guilt on you mom.

Only expressing myself.

This is the only way our relationship will ever grow into a mother and son relationship.

Then if you will not attempt to understand me then I will sever this relationship. I will walk away and never look back.

Good bye mother.

I no longer desire a relationship with you.

Until some afterlife, but until then consider me stepping off and out.

I love you mom.

There is pain inside and it deserves care and understanding, comfort and love from a mother.

I won’t receive that from you, it is too distant of a hope.

I wish success and happiness for your life mom.

I wish for you to find love and a man to love you as you should be loved.

I hope that God loves you and protects your very soul.

I pray that you grow stronger and more courageous as the amazing woman that you are, into the magnificent woman you are meant to be.

Thank you for helping me financially in the past, thank you for raising me and giving me life, I have a lot to do…

I will block you now.

Please do not text me or call, I assure you will I not text you or call you neither.

Good bye mom. I love you.

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