“Fragmented…” 🤳🏾

Saturday is a day that I am aware of knights and armor.

Black nights, I sit.

Dark days, I write.

This day seems different, I wonder if God left me to fight in honor.

I write with swiftness, but my sight is different.

Black eyes, are heartfelt.

Someone, please help me – in this trapped cave.

I am singing my heart out, running on curbs.

Being creative in this battle.

I need to make it in this battle.

I am aware, and my anxiety is running rampant.

I slept in, and somehow the demons crept in.

I am not moving, I am only sleeping.

This reminds me of days where I felt existential dread.

This is not me, I feel like I should be dead.

This reminds me of suicidal thoughts.

This reminds me of weeks where I was caught:

Snares unshakable, this ugly cage, seemingly appears in-breakable.

This journey, has been a hell of a journey.

It has been a hell of a ride.

This journey has been a frightful experience, truly, a delightful experience.

But this journey has been far too dark.

This road has been far too sharp –

Blade on the floor.

There are cops knocking on my door.

‘I am okay officer, just feeling and going through a test.’

They must have been alarmed, called by my therapist.

He must have read my blog, I use as a coping mechanism, where I then used to write my note.

Really I am crumbling inside, walking around with a false pride.

I felt like I should die – I felt like I’ve been here too many times.

Alone.

Alone.

Alone.

Alone…

Alone.

I’m mechanically moving, with nothing really, but a soul.

My ego has taken over, and my amygdala has become colder.

I look around, and I feel like I am an invisible man.

Does anyone know, or see?

I am dying inside, please, help me…

I receive a call, from someone I loved deeply.

In that moment, my illusions seem like a dark fantasy come true.

Really, I never wanted it to be this way, I wanted it to be some other way.

But in this night, demons run rampant on my brain.

My soul is keeping me upright.

I receive answers as I write, I receive answers as I, type…

I just feel sorry, yet, I am feeling very blessed.

I think that I have truly overcame my test…

I now know that I have overcame my test.

I now know, that I have overcome my tests.

And, I thank Jesus Christ, from the deepest areas of my heart, I now know that you are the best.

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