Saturday is a day that I am aware of knights and armor.
Black nights, I sit.
Dark days, I write.
This day seems different, I wonder if God left me to fight in honor.
I write with swiftness, but my sight is different.
Black eyes, are heartfelt.
Someone, please help me – in this trapped cave.
I am singing my heart out, running on curbs.
Being creative in this battle.
I need to make it in this battle.
I am aware, and my anxiety is running rampant.
I slept in, and somehow the demons crept in.
I am not moving, I am only sleeping.
This reminds me of days where I felt existential dread.
This is not me, I feel like I should be dead.
This reminds me of suicidal thoughts.
This reminds me of weeks where I was caught:
Snares unshakable, this ugly cage, seemingly appears in-breakable.
This journey, has been a hell of a journey.
It has been a hell of a ride.
This journey has been a frightful experience, truly, a delightful experience.
But this journey has been far too dark.
This road has been far too sharp –
Blade on the floor.
There are cops knocking on my door.
‘I am okay officer, just feeling and going through a test.’
They must have been alarmed, called by my therapist.
He must have read my blog, I use as a coping mechanism, where I then used to write my note.
Really I am crumbling inside, walking around with a false pride.
I felt like I should die – I felt like I’ve been here too many times.
I’m mechanically moving, with nothing really, but a soul.
My ego has taken over, and my amygdala has become colder.
I look around, and I feel like I am an invisible man.
Does anyone know, or see?
I am dying inside, please, help me…
I receive a call, from someone I loved deeply.
In that moment, my illusions seem like a dark fantasy come true.
Really, I never wanted it to be this way, I wanted it to be some other way.
But in this night, demons run rampant on my brain.
My soul is keeping me upright.
I receive answers as I write, I receive answers as I, type…
I just feel sorry, yet, I am feeling very blessed.
I think that I have truly overcame my test…
I now know that I have overcame my test.
I now know, that I have overcome my tests.
And, I thank Jesus Christ, from the deepest areas of my heart, I now know that you are the best.