I feel free, and I am away from the dark clouds that hovered over me relentlessly.
I feel free in the sense that I can relax and not feel too empty.
I still feel obligated, to grow and expand somehow, someway. But growth is inevitable. God knew what he was doing when he made my spirit.
However, the daemon inside is no longer.
I read, I exercise and I breathe in life.
When I awake in the morning,
the fresh air feels like the subtle truth of a meaningful existence.
When I cheated, I carried it as a burden for over 2 years.
I never truly forgave myself.
The lessons: to never cheat on someone I love, to ignore advice from someone I would not want to trade places with in life, and to follow my own wisdom and be the best man I can possibly become!
To sometimes lean on God and not on my own understanding.
God is such an important figure in my life.
I heard the trumpets and music, before awaking and I felt, Heaven’s Divinity.
I remember crying, and feeling angry.
‘I own myself!’
Slamming the door into the security’s and nurse’s face.
I was far emotional.
I was the stoic, that released frustration on people just doing their job.
I remember feeling so poetic. I took a Rose from the vase.
I went into my room, chanting praise to God.
Stomping, clapping, humming.
I got tired after awhile, and cried…
I cried, and I decided to embrace this frustration and sadness.
Sadness, over the state of humanity, the state of my life, and my lack of love…
I threw my pillow on the floor, and I laid down with my rose beside me…
Roses, left in a vase at the front of the receptionist’s desk…
All I can remember, when waking up from an induced nap, with my shirt off as I stood up to hear the nurse’s voice say something about dinner.
Behind his voice, I hear…
‘You’ve earned your wings.’
I don’t know exactly what I did, but I do have my presumptions of how and why God gifted me with my wings…
But it’s all still so mysterious.
Besides, my strength is his strength.
I’m nothing without the lord, my soul is made from his stuff…
How could I have earned my wings?
Is this some kind of game?
Isn’t this in a way, just your wings.
But there I go, and my habit of complicating the simple things.
God is telling me I earned my wings, and I’m always in a defense.
Always insecure in some capacity.
I could be far good enough and capable, and still I struggle with some level of doubt or insecurities…
But God, has plans for all of that to change.
While, I have faith in myself and him, that I am more than capable! I am! I believe more each day… 🌹